It’s been a while.
Before I sat down to write this, I tried to pinpoint a reason that I haven’t talked to a lot of you in weeks, that I haven’t posted on this blog in weeks, and I couldn’t really come up with one. At first, it was my headspace. I was so sad and stressed out, and Tumblr really easily fuels my bad moods, so I just didn’t feel like logging on. And then it was because I had gotten adjusted to NOT being on this website, and I didn’t really know how to get back into the swing of things. And then real life caught up with me, and I’ve been out trying to graduate and get a job and a car and all that. Add that onto the move across the country- which went great, for those who care- and to seeing family and friends after a year, I haven’t really had the time or energy to scroll through a Dashboard that normally pisses me off, anyways.
Now, I don’t really know why I’m coming back over here to post this. Perhaps it means that I’m coming back full-time? Maybe, but somehow I doubt it. I have no plans to delete this blog, but that doesn’t mean anything about the situation has changed. The truth is, some anon wrote and asked Seath if I was still around, and I suddenly felt like I needed to make sure all of you knew that I’m okay.
The truth is, I’m a really shitty friend to a lot of you. Some of you I was really, really close to, and when I stopped using Tumblr- which was really the cradle of my internet experience- I just stopped talking to you altogether. And I guess when I had to choose between trying to be better or accepting that I suck, I chose the latter. Part of me is sorry for that, but part of me isn’t, because, really, would you want someone that could so easily drop contact back in your life? I don’t think I would, if I were in your position.
I’ve also realized that I know myself better when I’m not blogging on Tumblr. I have the horrible tendency to try and change my opinions and thoughts- even slightly- to ensure that my friends- see “followers”- don’t judge me too harshly, and that sort of facade can get really, really tiring, let me be real with you. My opinions on things like religion, and otherkin, and anything not totally acceptable get pushed to the back of the bus, so to speak.
So, this is sort of an apology, and it sort of isn’t. It’s sort of an explanation, but mostly not. It’s kind of an “I’m back” exclamation, but, actually, it isn’t at all. If you’re interested in speaking to me more frequently, I can promise you that I am really going to try this time to make a bigger effort, but I won’t make that promise because if I just do the asshole dropping friends act again, I’m going to hate myself.
You can feel free to add me on Facebook. Gavin Haley Elizabeth. You can feel free to email me. firstname.lastname@example.org (shiny and new!) You can feel free to message me on here, though I don’t know how often those’ll be looked at, and it might be ANOTHER few weeks before you get anything in return. I also don’t have a phone right now, but I’ll post my new number on here- probably- when I do manage to get my hands on one.
Oh and I got a tattoo. It’s fucking beautiful, and will be on fuckyeahtattoos- with a link to my facebook- whenever they get around to posting it.
s.e. smith, cosmoqueer #1
Demonizing femininity is just another way of saying masculinity is better, which is, surprise, sexist.
When we land in Atlanta and my mom picks us up:
Then I’ll get to the cul-de-sac and see everyone waiting:
And then I’ll get out of the car and we’ll all be like:
Then we’ll get to Cairo and I’ll get to see my family:
And then on Monday when I get to see Maggie and Franci:
And then I’ll see Peyton and be like:
And then Seath and Peyton shall be all bromantic like:
AND IT’S JUST GOING TO BE FUCKING AWESOME, OKAY?
These last couple of days have been really fucking terrible. I know I haven’t been online much, especially on here, but I’ll explain that later when I actually feel up to staying online for long spells of time.
I am stronger than Depression, and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.